Except for an infertile woman, it is not.
I have always loved the Christmas season. It has always made me happy and excited and feel like a child again myself.
The past few years, struggling with infertility, it has been harder. Being with family on Christmas Eve with a newly pregnant cousin was hard. Having that pregnant cousin's little boy's first Christmas last year was hard. Watching parents get excited over the wonder in their children's eyes is hard. And of course, lest we forget, Christmas is ultimately the celebration of the birth of a baby.
This Christmas will be exceptionally hard. Not only will yet another Christmas go by where I am not pregnant, but it is the first that will go by where I SHOULD have been pregnant. I should be sitting at Christmas dinner with a popping belly, feeling my own little one sommersaulting inside, getting ready to make his/her appearance in the world.
I have been listening to Christmas music (longer than I'll admit!) and there are certain songs that make me cry. Any song that talks of Mary and her baby (What Child is This? Mary, Did You Know? etc) starts the floodgates. And every time the floodgates open, it's like I'm starting all over, and the grief is as fresh as if it happened yesterday.
All I want for Christmas is to have my baby back.
I just found your blog through Sharon's and had to drop by. I especially feel you on this post...Christmas this year is SO hard. I got pregnant with my first child in June of this year and miscarried at 10 weeks in August. Doc told me to wait two months then try again - we did, and we got pregnant! I miscarried last week at 9.5 weeks. I am not diagnosed infertile, per say, but I am either really unlucky or something is wrong with me. Either way, after two miscarriages in 4 months, I'm done trying (at least for a long while).
ReplyDeleteAll I wanted this Christmas was to still be pregnant. All I'm getting is a broken heart and an ungrateful stepson.
I hope both you and I can find some joy in the season...and I'm so very sorry for your loss.