Don't make your stepkids' mom on of your facebook friends.
Just trust me on this one. Even though I know she is obviously their mother, and that she obviously has every right to post about them on facebook, and she has every right to have her profile picture of them and her hugging, it still really stings to see and read.
DSSs' BM (biological mother) has always worked weird hours, until about six month ago. Then she started working regular hours that now allow her to be present at sporting events and the like. Which is great for DSSs, right? Of course! But to me (in my very humble opinion) it almost seems as if she is trying too hard now. It's like she realized how much she had missed out on in their life, and now is trying to prove to everyone what a great mom she is. (Disclaimer: BM is a very good mom. She clearly loves her kids, and I do not deny that or begrudge her that in any way shape or form. This is simply a vent.) For example, she was not able to attend many of DSS1's soccer games before this year. When she did come to games, I'm not entirely certain all the other parents knew who she was. This year, she has been at every game (which is great) but now she seems to go out of her way to show everyone she is their mom. She coaches from the bleachers (for a sport which she has never played, understands the basics of, but doesn't know the finer points) and every time DSS gets the ball, she says, "Come on, baby." Every freaking time. No other parent does something like that. Sometimes I just want to say, "Yes, we all know that is your son, now shut up and let the rest of us enjoy the game."
Or, what really prompted this vent in the first place, this morning she posted on facebook how much she LOVED working a job that allowed her to get her kids ready for school in the morning. Please rub in the infertile's face how great of a mom you are. It really starts my day off right!
So yeah, there is my unsolicited infertile stepmom advice. Think twice before expanding your facebook friends list.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
One of the many realizations of being a stepmom...
...your children will never be as important to DH as the ones he has with another woman.
If you think about it, it almost makes sense. I know DH never intended to be a part-time parent. If it were up to him (and me), we'd have DSSs here every day instead of just half the week. We have had conversations about this before - if and when we ever do get to have children together, he still wants to be able to focus on the boys just as much as he always has.
Tonight however, the conversation came about because an opening has become available for a position at DH's work. It's a job that I think he would enjoy, and he has toyed with trying to get into this division for awhile. He was telling me the pros and cons of going for it, and one of the cons is that this job does require some travel, and he doesn't want to miss stuff the boys are involved in (soccer, basketball, etc.) because of this new job.
I was trying to point out that if he really wants the job, that he shouldn't let that deter him from applying for it, because in theory, this will be an issue for approximately the next twenty years. His response, "well but the boys are used to having me around for everything." The conversation pretty much ended there.
So it would be ok if he got the job after the boys were graduated, but before our kids were in stuff, because our kids wouldn't by nature expect him to be at everything? It's hard, because I know he feels guilty about not being able to be there for them every moment of every day. But at the same time, just because our child will be with us everyday, they are not as entitled to his attention? How do you explain that to a toddler? "No honey, sorry, Daddy doesn't want to play with you tonight because your brothers are here." Yeah, that child won't grow up with issues.
And then, to top off this conversation, the phone rang. It was a toll-free number on the caller ID, and I answered it. (Quite honestly, I was hoping I could take out my frustration on some poor telemarketer.) It was, of all things, what I assume to be a bill collector. FOR DH'S EX-WIFE! And it wasn't even a real person, but an automated message. "This is XYZ calling for [ex-wife]. If you are [ex-wife] press one to hear this information. If you are not [ex-wife] but would like to put this call on hold to get [ex-wife] to the phone, press two. Para el espanol..." Which button do I press to yell at a real live person, "That woman does not live here, she has never lived here, and you had better never call here looking for her again!" I had to settle for slamming down the receiver with profane energy.
Please don't misunderstand. I actually have a very good relationship (as does DH) with the ex-wife. And believe me, when I see how some of my friends have to go through with their ex's, I am grateful for that. It's just that some nights that bitter, jealous monster comes out. And isn't it better to take it out on the stupid bill collector than to take it out on DH?
If you think about it, it almost makes sense. I know DH never intended to be a part-time parent. If it were up to him (and me), we'd have DSSs here every day instead of just half the week. We have had conversations about this before - if and when we ever do get to have children together, he still wants to be able to focus on the boys just as much as he always has.
Tonight however, the conversation came about because an opening has become available for a position at DH's work. It's a job that I think he would enjoy, and he has toyed with trying to get into this division for awhile. He was telling me the pros and cons of going for it, and one of the cons is that this job does require some travel, and he doesn't want to miss stuff the boys are involved in (soccer, basketball, etc.) because of this new job.
I was trying to point out that if he really wants the job, that he shouldn't let that deter him from applying for it, because in theory, this will be an issue for approximately the next twenty years. His response, "well but the boys are used to having me around for everything." The conversation pretty much ended there.
So it would be ok if he got the job after the boys were graduated, but before our kids were in stuff, because our kids wouldn't by nature expect him to be at everything? It's hard, because I know he feels guilty about not being able to be there for them every moment of every day. But at the same time, just because our child will be with us everyday, they are not as entitled to his attention? How do you explain that to a toddler? "No honey, sorry, Daddy doesn't want to play with you tonight because your brothers are here." Yeah, that child won't grow up with issues.
And then, to top off this conversation, the phone rang. It was a toll-free number on the caller ID, and I answered it. (Quite honestly, I was hoping I could take out my frustration on some poor telemarketer.) It was, of all things, what I assume to be a bill collector. FOR DH'S EX-WIFE! And it wasn't even a real person, but an automated message. "This is XYZ calling for [ex-wife]. If you are [ex-wife] press one to hear this information. If you are not [ex-wife] but would like to put this call on hold to get [ex-wife] to the phone, press two. Para el espanol..." Which button do I press to yell at a real live person, "That woman does not live here, she has never lived here, and you had better never call here looking for her again!" I had to settle for slamming down the receiver with profane energy.
Please don't misunderstand. I actually have a very good relationship (as does DH) with the ex-wife. And believe me, when I see how some of my friends have to go through with their ex's, I am grateful for that. It's just that some nights that bitter, jealous monster comes out. And isn't it better to take it out on the stupid bill collector than to take it out on DH?
Introducing myself
It takes a very special woman to be a stepmom. You commit your life to helping raise another person's children. But not only do I have this (very rewarding) challenge in my life, I also struggle through another condition. I'm infertile.
DH (dear husband) and I have been married for three and a half years. Right before we had been married for one year, we decided to try and and have a child together. Over two and a half years later, here we are, with one pregnancy (an ectopic) to our credit, which ended over the summer.
I have two stepsons (DS1 and DS2) who are twins. They are twelve, and they are wonderful.
I've meant to start this blog for a long time, because while there are many stepmoms out there, it is special subset of those women who also struggle to conceive and I've been hoping to connect with some of them.
So here goes nothing!
DH (dear husband) and I have been married for three and a half years. Right before we had been married for one year, we decided to try and and have a child together. Over two and a half years later, here we are, with one pregnancy (an ectopic) to our credit, which ended over the summer.
I have two stepsons (DS1 and DS2) who are twins. They are twelve, and they are wonderful.
I've meant to start this blog for a long time, because while there are many stepmoms out there, it is special subset of those women who also struggle to conceive and I've been hoping to connect with some of them.
So here goes nothing!
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