This post makes me quite sad to write, but I truly feel the need to do so, in honor of a woman who has inspired me for the past few months. And it just goes to show you that you don't have to meet someone in real life, but that your life can be touched by a woman you meet in an online community.
I first met Amanda a little over a year ago, in a private buddy group of infertile women. I felt a connection to her because she also knew the struggle of being infertile while raising someone else's child (and it is a job that she does beautifully). I then followed her to a buddy group of women who have been trying to conceive for over two years.
Amanda conceived following a IUI, and she was clearly over the moon about it. Her pregnancy went smoothly at first, but midway through it, she found a clot in her jugular. I remember her posting that her doctor thought it could be one of three things, and she didn't qualify for the first two, which left the third option - cancer. At some point in the next few months, it was discovered that the clot was in fact cancer that had spread. She was diagnosed with an advanced stage of liver cancer. The prognosis was not good.
The decision was made to start pumping steroids into her unborn baby and induce him so that Amanda could begin radiation and chemo soon after. At approximately 33 weeks, her sweet son Luke was born. Her dream of being a momma was fulfilled, and in pictures you can clearly see what joy he has brought her.
The radiation and chemo took their toll on her, making her sick, and judging from her pictures, she grew much thinner. She was in and out of the hospital, and she must have been suffering.
About ten days ago, she made the facebook post that has kept her constantly on my mind, and near tears every time I think about her. She has moved to an end-of-life hospice, and just recently, she acknowledged on fb that her time left is short.
Amanda, you have demonstrated such grace and dignity through your terrible ordeal. I truly don't believe any other person could have faced this challenge with such positivity. You are an inspiration to many, and we think of you often. I am so grateful that little Luke came into your life, and that you got to know the joy of being his momma. I hope both he and your stepson will always know how much you loved them, and how you would do anything for them. It has been a blessing to have you in my life, even if only online, and I wish you peace and comfort is the coming days.
Godspeed Amanda. You are so loved.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
It's the most wonderful time of the year...
Except for an infertile woman, it is not.
I have always loved the Christmas season. It has always made me happy and excited and feel like a child again myself.
The past few years, struggling with infertility, it has been harder. Being with family on Christmas Eve with a newly pregnant cousin was hard. Having that pregnant cousin's little boy's first Christmas last year was hard. Watching parents get excited over the wonder in their children's eyes is hard. And of course, lest we forget, Christmas is ultimately the celebration of the birth of a baby.
This Christmas will be exceptionally hard. Not only will yet another Christmas go by where I am not pregnant, but it is the first that will go by where I SHOULD have been pregnant. I should be sitting at Christmas dinner with a popping belly, feeling my own little one sommersaulting inside, getting ready to make his/her appearance in the world.
I have been listening to Christmas music (longer than I'll admit!) and there are certain songs that make me cry. Any song that talks of Mary and her baby (What Child is This? Mary, Did You Know? etc) starts the floodgates. And every time the floodgates open, it's like I'm starting all over, and the grief is as fresh as if it happened yesterday.
All I want for Christmas is to have my baby back.
I have always loved the Christmas season. It has always made me happy and excited and feel like a child again myself.
The past few years, struggling with infertility, it has been harder. Being with family on Christmas Eve with a newly pregnant cousin was hard. Having that pregnant cousin's little boy's first Christmas last year was hard. Watching parents get excited over the wonder in their children's eyes is hard. And of course, lest we forget, Christmas is ultimately the celebration of the birth of a baby.
This Christmas will be exceptionally hard. Not only will yet another Christmas go by where I am not pregnant, but it is the first that will go by where I SHOULD have been pregnant. I should be sitting at Christmas dinner with a popping belly, feeling my own little one sommersaulting inside, getting ready to make his/her appearance in the world.
I have been listening to Christmas music (longer than I'll admit!) and there are certain songs that make me cry. Any song that talks of Mary and her baby (What Child is This? Mary, Did You Know? etc) starts the floodgates. And every time the floodgates open, it's like I'm starting all over, and the grief is as fresh as if it happened yesterday.
All I want for Christmas is to have my baby back.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
When you realize your stepkids do love you...
Had an email in my inbox that literally brought tears to my eyes. It was a Facebook notification email, and the subject line said, "DSS2 listed you as his mother on Facebook".
It makes me so happy when they think of me as a mom. When DSS1 introduced me to someone one day, he said, "This is my mom." As an infertile woman, who may never get to have a biological child, these small moments light my world. It is a taste of what mothers get every day, and it makes me long for more. More of the same from DSSs, more from the children we hope to add to our family, more of the love of a family that I have always craved.
At my sister-in-law's house a few weeks ago, I was sitting on her (super comfy) couch watching tv, and DSS1 came and curled up next to me with his head on my shoulder, and I scratched his head. He's twelve, and won't be cuddly like that for much longer, so I eat it up when I can. But as I was sitting there, the thought came to me - If I never get to have a biological child, is this enough? Could I be happy with the life of loving someone else's children as my own? In the past, that answer was always no. But for the first time, it seemed to me that yes, I could be happy. If I spent the rest of my life only loving DSSs as if I gave birth to them, I could die a contented, complete woman.
That thought kind of scared me a bit. It scares me that I may be reaching the acceptance stage of infertility's grieving cycle. Don't misunderstand - I am not ready to give up yet by any means, but there is a little inkling of thought somewhere in the back of my mind that I could live a full, happy life even without ever giving birth.
It makes me so happy when they think of me as a mom. When DSS1 introduced me to someone one day, he said, "This is my mom." As an infertile woman, who may never get to have a biological child, these small moments light my world. It is a taste of what mothers get every day, and it makes me long for more. More of the same from DSSs, more from the children we hope to add to our family, more of the love of a family that I have always craved.
At my sister-in-law's house a few weeks ago, I was sitting on her (super comfy) couch watching tv, and DSS1 came and curled up next to me with his head on my shoulder, and I scratched his head. He's twelve, and won't be cuddly like that for much longer, so I eat it up when I can. But as I was sitting there, the thought came to me - If I never get to have a biological child, is this enough? Could I be happy with the life of loving someone else's children as my own? In the past, that answer was always no. But for the first time, it seemed to me that yes, I could be happy. If I spent the rest of my life only loving DSSs as if I gave birth to them, I could die a contented, complete woman.
That thought kind of scared me a bit. It scares me that I may be reaching the acceptance stage of infertility's grieving cycle. Don't misunderstand - I am not ready to give up yet by any means, but there is a little inkling of thought somewhere in the back of my mind that I could live a full, happy life even without ever giving birth.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Tip of the Day
Don't make your stepkids' mom on of your facebook friends.
Just trust me on this one. Even though I know she is obviously their mother, and that she obviously has every right to post about them on facebook, and she has every right to have her profile picture of them and her hugging, it still really stings to see and read.
DSSs' BM (biological mother) has always worked weird hours, until about six month ago. Then she started working regular hours that now allow her to be present at sporting events and the like. Which is great for DSSs, right? Of course! But to me (in my very humble opinion) it almost seems as if she is trying too hard now. It's like she realized how much she had missed out on in their life, and now is trying to prove to everyone what a great mom she is. (Disclaimer: BM is a very good mom. She clearly loves her kids, and I do not deny that or begrudge her that in any way shape or form. This is simply a vent.) For example, she was not able to attend many of DSS1's soccer games before this year. When she did come to games, I'm not entirely certain all the other parents knew who she was. This year, she has been at every game (which is great) but now she seems to go out of her way to show everyone she is their mom. She coaches from the bleachers (for a sport which she has never played, understands the basics of, but doesn't know the finer points) and every time DSS gets the ball, she says, "Come on, baby." Every freaking time. No other parent does something like that. Sometimes I just want to say, "Yes, we all know that is your son, now shut up and let the rest of us enjoy the game."
Or, what really prompted this vent in the first place, this morning she posted on facebook how much she LOVED working a job that allowed her to get her kids ready for school in the morning. Please rub in the infertile's face how great of a mom you are. It really starts my day off right!
So yeah, there is my unsolicited infertile stepmom advice. Think twice before expanding your facebook friends list.
Just trust me on this one. Even though I know she is obviously their mother, and that she obviously has every right to post about them on facebook, and she has every right to have her profile picture of them and her hugging, it still really stings to see and read.
DSSs' BM (biological mother) has always worked weird hours, until about six month ago. Then she started working regular hours that now allow her to be present at sporting events and the like. Which is great for DSSs, right? Of course! But to me (in my very humble opinion) it almost seems as if she is trying too hard now. It's like she realized how much she had missed out on in their life, and now is trying to prove to everyone what a great mom she is. (Disclaimer: BM is a very good mom. She clearly loves her kids, and I do not deny that or begrudge her that in any way shape or form. This is simply a vent.) For example, she was not able to attend many of DSS1's soccer games before this year. When she did come to games, I'm not entirely certain all the other parents knew who she was. This year, she has been at every game (which is great) but now she seems to go out of her way to show everyone she is their mom. She coaches from the bleachers (for a sport which she has never played, understands the basics of, but doesn't know the finer points) and every time DSS gets the ball, she says, "Come on, baby." Every freaking time. No other parent does something like that. Sometimes I just want to say, "Yes, we all know that is your son, now shut up and let the rest of us enjoy the game."
Or, what really prompted this vent in the first place, this morning she posted on facebook how much she LOVED working a job that allowed her to get her kids ready for school in the morning. Please rub in the infertile's face how great of a mom you are. It really starts my day off right!
So yeah, there is my unsolicited infertile stepmom advice. Think twice before expanding your facebook friends list.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
One of the many realizations of being a stepmom...
...your children will never be as important to DH as the ones he has with another woman.
If you think about it, it almost makes sense. I know DH never intended to be a part-time parent. If it were up to him (and me), we'd have DSSs here every day instead of just half the week. We have had conversations about this before - if and when we ever do get to have children together, he still wants to be able to focus on the boys just as much as he always has.
Tonight however, the conversation came about because an opening has become available for a position at DH's work. It's a job that I think he would enjoy, and he has toyed with trying to get into this division for awhile. He was telling me the pros and cons of going for it, and one of the cons is that this job does require some travel, and he doesn't want to miss stuff the boys are involved in (soccer, basketball, etc.) because of this new job.
I was trying to point out that if he really wants the job, that he shouldn't let that deter him from applying for it, because in theory, this will be an issue for approximately the next twenty years. His response, "well but the boys are used to having me around for everything." The conversation pretty much ended there.
So it would be ok if he got the job after the boys were graduated, but before our kids were in stuff, because our kids wouldn't by nature expect him to be at everything? It's hard, because I know he feels guilty about not being able to be there for them every moment of every day. But at the same time, just because our child will be with us everyday, they are not as entitled to his attention? How do you explain that to a toddler? "No honey, sorry, Daddy doesn't want to play with you tonight because your brothers are here." Yeah, that child won't grow up with issues.
And then, to top off this conversation, the phone rang. It was a toll-free number on the caller ID, and I answered it. (Quite honestly, I was hoping I could take out my frustration on some poor telemarketer.) It was, of all things, what I assume to be a bill collector. FOR DH'S EX-WIFE! And it wasn't even a real person, but an automated message. "This is XYZ calling for [ex-wife]. If you are [ex-wife] press one to hear this information. If you are not [ex-wife] but would like to put this call on hold to get [ex-wife] to the phone, press two. Para el espanol..." Which button do I press to yell at a real live person, "That woman does not live here, she has never lived here, and you had better never call here looking for her again!" I had to settle for slamming down the receiver with profane energy.
Please don't misunderstand. I actually have a very good relationship (as does DH) with the ex-wife. And believe me, when I see how some of my friends have to go through with their ex's, I am grateful for that. It's just that some nights that bitter, jealous monster comes out. And isn't it better to take it out on the stupid bill collector than to take it out on DH?
If you think about it, it almost makes sense. I know DH never intended to be a part-time parent. If it were up to him (and me), we'd have DSSs here every day instead of just half the week. We have had conversations about this before - if and when we ever do get to have children together, he still wants to be able to focus on the boys just as much as he always has.
Tonight however, the conversation came about because an opening has become available for a position at DH's work. It's a job that I think he would enjoy, and he has toyed with trying to get into this division for awhile. He was telling me the pros and cons of going for it, and one of the cons is that this job does require some travel, and he doesn't want to miss stuff the boys are involved in (soccer, basketball, etc.) because of this new job.
I was trying to point out that if he really wants the job, that he shouldn't let that deter him from applying for it, because in theory, this will be an issue for approximately the next twenty years. His response, "well but the boys are used to having me around for everything." The conversation pretty much ended there.
So it would be ok if he got the job after the boys were graduated, but before our kids were in stuff, because our kids wouldn't by nature expect him to be at everything? It's hard, because I know he feels guilty about not being able to be there for them every moment of every day. But at the same time, just because our child will be with us everyday, they are not as entitled to his attention? How do you explain that to a toddler? "No honey, sorry, Daddy doesn't want to play with you tonight because your brothers are here." Yeah, that child won't grow up with issues.
And then, to top off this conversation, the phone rang. It was a toll-free number on the caller ID, and I answered it. (Quite honestly, I was hoping I could take out my frustration on some poor telemarketer.) It was, of all things, what I assume to be a bill collector. FOR DH'S EX-WIFE! And it wasn't even a real person, but an automated message. "This is XYZ calling for [ex-wife]. If you are [ex-wife] press one to hear this information. If you are not [ex-wife] but would like to put this call on hold to get [ex-wife] to the phone, press two. Para el espanol..." Which button do I press to yell at a real live person, "That woman does not live here, she has never lived here, and you had better never call here looking for her again!" I had to settle for slamming down the receiver with profane energy.
Please don't misunderstand. I actually have a very good relationship (as does DH) with the ex-wife. And believe me, when I see how some of my friends have to go through with their ex's, I am grateful for that. It's just that some nights that bitter, jealous monster comes out. And isn't it better to take it out on the stupid bill collector than to take it out on DH?
Introducing myself
It takes a very special woman to be a stepmom. You commit your life to helping raise another person's children. But not only do I have this (very rewarding) challenge in my life, I also struggle through another condition. I'm infertile.
DH (dear husband) and I have been married for three and a half years. Right before we had been married for one year, we decided to try and and have a child together. Over two and a half years later, here we are, with one pregnancy (an ectopic) to our credit, which ended over the summer.
I have two stepsons (DS1 and DS2) who are twins. They are twelve, and they are wonderful.
I've meant to start this blog for a long time, because while there are many stepmoms out there, it is special subset of those women who also struggle to conceive and I've been hoping to connect with some of them.
So here goes nothing!
DH (dear husband) and I have been married for three and a half years. Right before we had been married for one year, we decided to try and and have a child together. Over two and a half years later, here we are, with one pregnancy (an ectopic) to our credit, which ended over the summer.
I have two stepsons (DS1 and DS2) who are twins. They are twelve, and they are wonderful.
I've meant to start this blog for a long time, because while there are many stepmoms out there, it is special subset of those women who also struggle to conceive and I've been hoping to connect with some of them.
So here goes nothing!
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